1908 CAN WAIT

Vandan Chokshi (VC)

By: Vandan Chokshi

“They’re the ultimate underdogs. You gotta root for the Cubbies.”

Chicagoans, TBS commentators, and fans who like feeling like they’re watching a true underdog story (editor’s note: Vegas has them as heavy favorites) all agree that the Cubbies deserve to win the World Series this year. Unfortunately for the fan wagon, a little country known as “China”, invented something called “sport”, which requires the more deserving team to actually win the game they are playing first.

“But, they haven’t won since 1908”

If you’re under the age of 73, it really shouldn’t make a difference to you – since you don’t remember seeing the Cubs or the Indians winning a World Series. If you’re over the age of 73, your TV isn’t broken – you just need to plug it in. And – who are “they” exactly? America’s Team, TBS’s Team, Chicago’s Team, The 127,000 transplants who want to feel like locals’ Team , The-Northern-Affluent-Half-of-Chicago’s Team definitely deserves sympathy, having a fan base who hasn’t seen a championship team since the 2015 Chicago Blackhawks brought home the Stanley Cup. Furthermore, they had to voyage all the way to the “dirty” South side to watch a World Series game played in Chicago.  Fans who suffer from cryophobia and refuse to support the White Sox, must think back to the glory days of Michael Jeffrey Jordan to remember winning a championship ring (or six). Fun fact – if you’re a proud supporter of the Cubs and Bulls, but hate the White Sox, every dollar you spend on the Bulls goes straight to the owner of the White Sox, Jerry Reinsdorf. Was that fun? That felt fun…

No matter the result of the World Series, the national media’s storyline will surround the Cubs. The Cubs will either “break the curse” or “choke”. Here is the front page of ESPN after the Indians dominated the Cubs in Game 1.

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Here is the homepage for CBS Sports.

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The Cubs-centric media can paint the picture however they want. They can write stories about the Cubs winning and about the Cubs losing. They can tell stories about destiny and promise. They can believe in curses and superstitions.

They don’t have to talk about a team with the 26th largest payroll in baseball. They don’t have to talk about a team who lost their best offensive player before Memorial Day. They don’t have to talk about a team that “overachieved”. They don’t have to talk about a team whose “postseason dreams ended” when they lost their 2nd ace of the season. They don’t have to talk about a team with a “glass ceiling”. They don’t have to talk about the guys who are playing – they can continue to talk about the guys who aren’t. They don’t have to talk about a team that’s “just happy to be here”.

Instead they can talk about which team David Ortiz will face in the World Series to complete his storybook send off.

Instead they can talk about how the Cubs deserve to win the World Series – how it’s their destiny.

They don’t have to talk about a team that is undefeated at home throughout the playoffs. They don’t have to talk about a team with the lowest postseason ERA (1.58). They don’t have to talk about the resiliency of a team that led the MLB with 11 walk off hits.

But no matter how much they talk, they can’t change what happens between the white lines. They aren’t Steve Bartman.

Silence them.

#ClevelandAgainstTheWorld

 

Not-That-Bold Predictions

Vandan Chokshi (VC)

By Vandan Chokshi

According to the Powerball Lottery, I am not really that good at making accurate predictions. But, therefore, according to the law of averages (which is often overlooked because it’s not a “real law” in the “constitution”…whatever that means), this article is more likely to be accurate. And I’m glad it worked out that way, because money can’t buy happiness. (Editor’s Note: To be fair, happiness can’t buy money either) (Editor’s Other Note: I am my own editor because I can’t afford to hire an editor)

Eastern Conference

  1. Cleveland Cavaliers {Projected Record: 59-23 (.720), Current Record: 28-10 (.737) }

Since the return of Kyrie Irving, the Cavaliers have gone 10-2. The Cavs should lock up the 1 seed in the east, even if LeBilly James makes an appearance in Vegas with a blonde wig.
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  1. Toronto Raptors { Projected Record: 51-31 (.622), Current Record: 25-15 (.625) }

The Toronto Raptors are set to have another really great season that doesn’t scare anybody ever. They may make it to game 7 of the conference finals, or they may lose in the first round. Either way, history won’t remember them.

3. Indiana Pacers { Projected Record: 48-34 (.585), Current Record: 22-18 (.550) } Paul George has the Pacers a leg up on the competition with his aggressive play. He is on pace to break his own personal records for points per game and free throws per game. George could easily go toe to toe with any player in the league, but just doesn’t have the teammates to win the footrace to the end of the season. Break a leg out there, Paul! But really, don’t. Leggo Pacers!

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4. Boston Celtics { Projected Record: 47-35 (.573), Current Record: 21-19 (.525) }

5. Chicago Bulls { Projected Record: 46-36 (.561), Current Record: 23-16 (.590) }

6. Atlanta Hawks { Projected Record: 46-36 (.561), Current Record: 23-17 (.575) } At this time last year, the Hawks were in the middle of a 19 game win streak, and on top of the league. They thought they may never lose again. We knew they would lose again. Now they are back to normal. This is called the law of averages. Should I buy another lottery ticket?

7. Miami Heat { Projected Record: 46-36 (.561), Current Record: 23-17 (.575) } Fortunately for the Heat, their roster is bolstered by Chris “is-a-raptor” Bosh, Dwayne “D-Whistle” Wade, “Skip-to-my” Luol Deng, Amar’e “Amari” Stoudemire and Chris “Birdman” Andersen. Unfortunately for the Heat, its not 2007.

8. Detroit Pistons { Projected Record: 45-37 (.549), Current Record: 21-18 (.538) } The Detroit Pistons became the first team to beat the Warriors, when the Warriors had their entire starting 5 playing. However, like most teams, unfortunately the Pistons cannot play the Warriors every game.

9. Orlando Magic { Projected Record: 42-40 (.512), Current Record: 20-19 (.513) }

10. Charlotte Hornets { Projected Record: 41-41 (.500), Current Record: 18-21 (.462) }

11. New York Knicks { Projected Record: 39-43 (.476), Current Record: 20-21 (.488) } Even though they will miss the playoffs entirely, they will still be far more relevant the Raptors. However, for the first time since Jason Kidd played for the Knicks, they are not decreasing the property value of Madison Square Garden by their mere existence. Furthermore, Kristaps Porzingis, the Latvian luminary, is a reason to be excited. Only 4 months into his career, he has made it obvious that he is not Ronaldo Balkman or Channing Frye.

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12. Washington Wizards { Projected Record: 38-44 (.463), Current Record: 19-19 (.500) }

13. Milwaukee Bucks { Projected Record: 30-52 (.366), Current Record: 17-25 (.405) }

14. Brooklyn Nets { Projected Record: 22-60 (.268), Current Record: 11-29 (.275) }

15. Philadelphia 76ers { Projected Record: 10-72 (.122), Current Record: 4-37 (.098) } The Sixers are like Sully from Monster’s Inc. They can scare some people if they really had to (ex. 5th grade AAU teams, dudes outside of Boston nightclubs, James A. Naismith – the inventor of basketball), but would be much more effective trying to make people laugh.

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Western Conference

T1. Golden State Warriors {Projected Record: 71-11 (.866), Current Record: 37-3 (.925) } Feats by the Warriors this season include: 1) First team to start a season undefeated through 16 games. They pushed the record to 24. 2) Their 36-2 start was the best start in NBA history. 3) The best road start in NBA history (14-0) 4) The 2nd longest win streak of all time (28 games) 5) Less than half way into the season, Steph Curry has hit 186 3-pointers. He is 100 3-pointers away from breaking his own single season record.

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T1. San Antonio Spurs  { Projected Record: 71-11 (.866), Current Record: 35-6 (.854) } While the Warriors have broken every record known to man, woman, and Rodman, the Spurs have been quietly plugging away. As far as anyone is concerned, they’re probably just playing some boring style of basketball, and Tim Duncan is too old to be good anymore. However, while the Warriors had an unbelievable start, it seems even more unbelievable that the Spurs are only 2.5 games back of the Warriors.  As scary as it sounds, this is most likely the best Spurs’ team Tim Duncan has ever played on.

3. Oklahoma City Thunder { Projected Record: 60-22 (.732), Current Record: 29-12 (.707) } The Warriors are lightning in a bottle (minus the bottle), and the Spurs are the most consistent team in basketball. Meanwhile, the Thunder still have Russ Westbrook, Kevin Durant, Serge Ibaka, and Dion “It’s 2 on the shot clock somewhere” Waiters. Russ is shooting a career best 46% from the field (50% inside of the arc), as well as averaging 24.4 ppg, 9.5 apg and 7.1 rpg , while leading the league in steals.

4. Los Angeles Clippers { Projected Record: 53-29 (.646), Current Record: 26-13 (.667) }

5. Dallas Mavericks { Projected Record: 44-38 (.537), Current Record: 23-18 (.561) }

6. Houston Rockets { Projected Record: 40-42 (.488), Current Record: 21-20 (.512) }

7. Memphis Grizzlies { Projected Record: 38-44 (.463), Current Record: 22-19 (.537) }

T8. Utah Jazz { Projected Record: 37-45 (.451), Current Record: 17-22 (.436) }

T8. Portland Trail Blazers { Projected Record: 37-45 (.451), Current Record: 18-24 (.429) }

10. Sacramento Kings { Projected Record: 34-48 (.417), Current Record: 16-23 (.410) }

11. Denver Nuggets { Projected Record: 30-52 (.366), Current Record: 15-25 (.375) }

12. New Orleans Hornets { Projected Record: 29-53 (.354), Current Record: 13-26 (.333) }

13. Phoenix Suns { Projected Record: 28-54 (.341), Current Record: 13-28 (.317) }

14. Minnesota Timberwolves { Projected Record: 27-55 (.329), Current Record: 12-29 (.293) } Sam Hinkie has a Minnesota Timberwolves’ poster over his bed. They are performing the tank strategy to perfection, and should be a force to be reckoned with in 2 seasons.

New Orleans Pelicans v Minnesota Timberwolves

MINNEAPOLIS, MN – APRIL 13: Kevin Garnett #21 talks with teammate Andrew Wiggins #22 of the Minnesota Timberwolves during the game against the New Orleans Pelicans on April 13, 2015 at Target Center in Minneapolis, Minnesota. NOTE TO USER: User expressly acknowledges and agrees that, by downloading and/or using this photograph, User is consenting to the terms and conditions of the Getty Images License Agreement. Mandatory Copyright Notice: Copyright 2015 NBAE (Photo by David Sherman/NBAE via Getty Images)

15. Los Angeles Lakers { Projected Record: 18-64 (.220), Current Record: 9-32 (.220) }


 

 

 

 

 

 

The ATL

Vandan Chokshi (VC)

By: Vandan Chokshi (VC)

Atlanta is notorious for its polarizing genetic makeup, previously known as the best evidence that different cultures are capable of coexisting until our nation’s saviors, Brad Paisley and LL Cool J, blessed humanity with “Accidental Racist”.

Just watch this one too.

Meanwhile, their basketball team went on to win 60 games this season without really doing anything polarizing. Unlike last series, the Hawks do not have an obvious uni-gendered troll doll who talks shit about Cleveland to compensate for something else lacking in his life.

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 What starts with an “F” and rhymes with “duck you Noah”

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Joakim Noah merrily prancing back to Chicagoland

So Cleveland here is a guide on how to hate the Atlanta Hawks:

Guard: Jeffrey “Life Alert” Teague

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Here is a video of Teague locking down Uncle Drew…

And a here is a closer look at Teague on the play…

Guard: Kyle “Kutcher” Korver

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Despite his shocking similar resemblance (and not so shockingly similar athleticism) to movie star Ashton Kutcher, the two twinsies still have a few unique qualities.

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Also, after attending Jeff Teague’s Center for Basketball Players Who Can’t Play Defense Good And Wanna Learn Other Stuff Good Too, Korver put on a defensive clinic.

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Center: Alfred Joel Horford

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  • In the three years Horford attended the University of Florida, he only brought home 2 National Championships…
  • Al Horford is only fluent in two languages…
  • Unlike his wife, Amelia Vega, Al Horford never won the Miss Universe Pageant…
  • He may have a kid, but he doesn’t have any championship rings because he’s better at being a father than at basketball.  HA!

Forward: Paul “Kitty-Cat” Millsap

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Hey Paul, uhh what’re you doing down there…

Paul Millsap grew up in Denver, dreaming of one day being a fat version of John Elway. He decided to take care of the fat part first, and then attempt the “being a hall of fame quarterback” part. Bold move, Cotton. The young chubster was so talented, he even made his middle school squad! However, after moving to northern Louisiana, football was no longer an option. After learning that his new high school, the Grambling Lab Kittens, only had a basketball team, Paul had to make a tough decision. Would his desire to have “Kitten” written across his chest outweigh his desire to put his hands under another boy’s butt at the beginning of every play? (After learning about the Shotgun formation, Paul began to lose his love for the game of football.)

Forward: DeMarre “Who?” Carroll

Whoops, forgotten again…

allstar